One of the ‘aha’s’ that many of my clients find gives them a whole different perspective and a certain amount of relief regarding their relationships comes from an adaptation of the following piece of work. Give it a try and see what you gain from it.
I’d like to ask you a favor today. I invite you to slow down a bit in the next couple of days and take a good look at the people that are important to you and that you spend at least some of your precious time with. You might focus on one or two people who are important to you and whom you at least occcasonally have some difficulties with–your significant other, child, a parent, a sibling, a colleague, a friend. For this exercise, it helps if the person you choose is in physical proximity.
Now, take a look at this person. Who is he or she? Be curious, neutral, observant and as nonjudgmental as possible. Be prepared to see something about this person that you’ve never noticed or acknowledged before. Prepare to be surprised.
As you pay attention to this human being, can you begin to notice a story that you have previously carried around about this person? That is, what have you heard yourself say internally, and maybe even to others about this individual? Maybe you habitually idealize this person and haven’t been willing to see her as a real person. Do you have complaints, frustrations, wishes that this person would somehow be different? Maybe you aren’t aware of having any stories.
Most of us are well-practiced at carrying around unconscious internal stories about other people in our lives.. Stories have an insidious nature because they can be so hidden that we can’t detect them. But they do exist.–until we see them for what they are, and make a conscious choice to unhook from them.
“Stories” are just that–they are not the truth, but a fantasy or a projection that serves as a filter between me and the person that I’m with. Carrying around unconconscious stories means that I don’t see the person for whom he or she really is. When I’m living with a story, I only see my perceptions of the other person. What is so astounding is how acceptable and pervasive stories are not only in our own minds, but in the cultural mind—at least until we wake up to their existence and begin to realize the degree to which they have shaped our relationships.
Can you hear the unkindness that comes with internal stories? (Just to note, I’m not suggesting that the other person is ‘perfect,’ and that all behaviors are acceptable. I’m talking about the additional layers of judgment that I, as the other person in the relationship, am responsible for.)
My experience tells me that most people want fulfilling, satisfying, caring and kind relationships that lift them up. In that light, let’s go back to the beginning of this message. First, really pay attention to who the other person is. What qualities are present that you may have forgotten or missed? What if you give that person the benefit of the doubt, and trust that she is doing the best possible in this moment, given all the other influences in life. What if you accepted him in this moment, just for who he is? What if you didn’t look for her to make any changes? What would you see? What would you appreciate? What would you love? And when you take the time to reflect on these questions, what is different about you?
Blessings, Roxanne
