Have you ever heard yourself say,”If I was her, I would have done it ______ (this way)? There are a lot of variations on this thought (i.e. If he would just….. )and at different times, I have probably used them all. Do you recognize the underlying assumption here? I’m assuming that others basically will see, understand and will act in basically the same way that I would under similar circumstances. I find this such an interesting paradox. Intellectually, we generally understand that others act differently than we do. General observation tells us that this is so. At the same time, it’s hard to comprehend Why they would act so differently than me. At some deep gut level, afterall, isn’t there just one reality?
One of the issues that plagues most relationships, whether at an intimate level or a global level, is the core assumption that my way of orienting to the world is THE way of orienting to the world. We don’t carry this assumption around consciously….it is just there. Thus, when people don’t meet my expectations of thinking, feeling, or acting the way I do, I am confronted with a dilemma. Who is wrong? Am I off-base? Or is the other misguided, ignorant or worse?
Central to the work of the Enneagram is coming to the stunning, directly experienced realization that there are really nine wildly different, dominant ways of orienting to life. Each orientation–or type– comes ‘packaged’ with its own set of thought, feeling, behavioral and somatic responses and reactions. It’s almost as if people who are dominant in each type live in separate worlds. In a way, they (and we) do.
Until we gain some depth of recognition of how people experience the world differently, I think we are setting ourselves up for disappointments, misunderstandings, and unnecessary judgment and interpsonal conflict. There’s nothing wrong with conflict–it is necessary and can lead to creative new solutions. But there is far more conflict than the world needs.
From my perspective, the Enneagram shows us the way to understanding, compassion, self and other-acceptance. If you haven’t already discovered this tool, I hope you will do so soon. Check out the upcoming Relationships Workshop, Sept 21-23. It will open your eyes to a whole new world. Guaranteed.
Roxanne
