I’ve been getting a lot of questions around relationships lately.This was particularly apparently last week when I was teaching an introductory Enneagram course. Consistently, the conversation turned to the issue of understanding other people. Big surprise!! When we are first exposed to the Enneagram, many of our ideas or questions about why other people do what they do are challenged.
One person asked, “But WHY would someone not express an opinion on something (such as, “What shall we go tonight for dinner?”), then be upset when I made a decision? Isn’t that counter-productive? Why don’t we just talk?”
Another person shared, “I always thought that I was being so nice, and I could never figure out why some of my friends inched their way out of my life! I thought that they were simply taking advantage of me and being ungrateful.”
Another person mentioned, “I’m often not in sync with my friends and have wondered why. Now I’m starting to get some answers.”
It is SO difficult to see, acknowledge and then, understand another person’s worldview when we are standing in the midst of our own worldview! Afterall, ours makes so much sense!
One of the big take-aways that some students shared is that the reasons that they had previously ascribed to the behaviors of others turned out not to be true at all. Rather, the behaviors were based on an entirely different Enneagram blueprint!! Ah, now we can see how easily judgment around others arises! Most students noticed that their misperceptions added to their stress level.
The Enneagram gives us real access into the inner world of other people, based upon their particular Enneagram worldviews/types. When we understand the structure of our own inner world, we can begin to recognize that, just as our own behaviors seem perfectly reasonable to us, that the behaviors of others makes perfect sense to them.
This is where true humility comes in. For example, when I interact with any person from only my own perspective, my own type’s biases, I am not capable of truly relating at all. I just want to see that person reflecting back to me what I think is important, what makes sense to me from my limited perspective.
If I can loosen my grip on my own perspective/inner world and even have some curiosity about how the other person is experiencing the situation, then it may be possible to actually relate.
That’s one of the reasons that I love the Enneagram. When we can truly recognize that there are nine wildly different cultures based on the Enneagram, perhaps we will rise to the call to create more understanding and kindness in the world.
This is the basis for true multi-cultural relationships!
Blessings,
Roxanne
